*  u 


HANS    BREITMANN 

/  \  0 


TJIsTX) 


ILLUSTRATED  BY  FRANK   BEARD, 


JESSE     HANEY    &    CO.,    PUBLISHERS. 

1869. 


HANS  BKEITMANN 


UND 


HIS  PHILOSOPEDE. 


BY  CHARLES  G.  LELAND. 


ILLUSTRATED 
BY    FRANK   BEARD. 


JKSSE  HANEY  &  CO.,  PUBLISHERS. 
1869. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1S69,  by 

CHARLES  G.  LELAND, 

la  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  Unite  1  States,  for  the 
Southern  District  of  New  York. 


O  L  O  C  K  ! 


BY  HANS  BKEITMANN. 


HERR  SCHNITZERL  make  a  philosopede, 

Von  of  de  pullyest  kind  ; 
It  vent  mitout  a  vheel  in  front, 

Und  hadn't  none  pehind. 
Von  vheel  vas  in  cle  inittel,  dough, 

Und  it  vent  as  shure  ash  ecks, 
For  he  shtraddled  on  de  axel  dree 

Mit  der  vheel  petween  his  leeks. 

Und  veil  he  vent  to  shtart  id  off 

He  paddlet  mit  his  veet, 
Und  soon  he  cot  to  go  so  vast 

Dat  avery  dings  he  peat. 
He  run  her  out  on  Broader  shtreed, 

He  shkeeted  like  der  vind, 
Hei !  how  be  bassed  de  vancy  craps, 

Und  lef  dem  all  pehind ! 


3ROLOCK. 

De  vellers  mit  de  trottin  nags 

Pooled  oop  to  see  him  bass  ; 
De  Deutschers  all  erstaunished  saidt : 

"  Potztausend  !     Was  ist  das  ?" 
Boot  vashter  shtill  der  Schnitzerl  flewed 

On — mit  a  ghastly  smile ! 
He  tidn't  tooush  de  dirt,  py  shings  1 

Not  vonce  in  half  a  mile. 

Oh,  vot  ish  all  dis  eartly  pliss  ? 

Oh,  vot  ish  man's  soocksess  ? 
Oh,  vot  is  various  kinds  of  dings  ? 

Und  vot  is  hoppiness  ? 
We  find  a  pank  node  in  de  shtreedt, 

Next  dings  der  pank  ish  preak ! 
Ve  foils  and  knocks  our  outsides  in, 

Ven  ve  a  ten-shtrike  make. 

So  vas  it  mit  der  Schnitzerlein 

On  his  philosopede. 
His  feet  both  shlipped  outsidevard  shoost, 

Vhen  at  his  extra  shpeed. 
He  felled  upon  der  vheel  of  coorse  ? 

De  vheel  like  blitzen  flew ! 
Und  Schnitzerl  he  vos  schnitz  in  vact, 

For  it  shlished  him  grod  in  two. 


BROLOCK.  5 

XJnd  as  for  his  philosopede, 

Id  cot  so  shkared,  men  say, 
It  pounded  onward  till  it  vent 

Ganz  teufelwards  afay. 
Boot  vhere  ish  now  der  Schnitzerl's  soul  ? 

Vhere  dos  his  shpirit  pide  ? 
In  Himmel  troo,  de  endless  plue, 

It  takes  a  medeor  ride. 


HANS  BREITMANN 


HIS  PHILOSOPEDE. 


Vhen  Breitmann  hear  dat  Schnitzerl 

Vas  quardered  into  dwo, 
Und  how  his  crate  philosopede 

To  'm  tuyfel  had  gone  flew  ; 
He  dinked  und  dinked  so  heafy 

As  only  Deutschers  can, 
Denn  saidt,  "  Who  mighdt  belief et 

Dis  ish  de  ent  of  man  ? 

"  De  human  souls  of  beoples 

Exisdt  in  deir  idees, 
Und  dis  of  Wolfram  Schnitzerl 

Mighdt  dravel  many  vays. 
In  his  Bestimmung  des  Menschen 

Der  Fichte  makes  peliefe 
Dat  ve  brogress  oon-endly 

In  vot  pehind  we  leafe. 


HANS  BREITMANN  UND  HIS  PHILOSOPEDE. 

"  De  sbliarrow  falls  ground-do wnwarts, 

Or  drafels  to  de  West ; 
De  sbharrows  dat  coom  afder 

Bild  shoost  de  same  oldt  nest. 
Man  hat  not  vings  or  fedders, 

Und  in  oder  dings,  'tis  saidt, 
He  tont  coom  oop  to  shbarrows ; 

Boot  on  nests  he  goes  ahet. 

"  O  vliest  dou  troo  bornin  vorldts 

Und  nebuloser  foam, 
By  monsdrous  mitnight  shiant  forms 

Or  vhere  red  tyfels  roam, 
Or  vhere  de  chosts  of  shky  rackets 

Peyond  creadion  flee  ? 
Vhere  e'r  dou  art,  oh  Schnitzerlem ! 

Crate  saint !  look  down  on  me  ! 

"  Und  deach  me  how  you  maket 

Dat  crate  philosopede, 
Vitch  roon  dwice  six  mals  vaster 

Ash  any  Arap  shteed, 
Und  deach  me  how  to  'stonish  folk 

Und  knock  dem  out  de  shpots. 
Come  pack  to  eart,  O  Schnitzerlein, 

Und  pring  it  down  to  dots !" 

Shoost  ash  dis  vort  vent  outvarts 
Hans  dinked  he  see  a  vlash, 

Und  unterwards  de  dable 
He  doomple  mit  a  crash, 


8 


HANS  BREITMANN 


Und  to  him,  moong  de  glaesses, 
Und  pottles  ash  vas  proke, 

Hit  his  het  in  a  cigar  box, 
An  foice  from  Himmel  shpoke 


'  Adsum  Domine  Breitmann  ! 

Herr  Capitain — here  I  pe  ! 
So  dell  me  right  honeste 

Quare  inquietasti  me  f 
Te  video  inter  spoonibus, 

Et  largis  glassis  too, 
Cerevisia  repletis, 

Sicut  percussus  tonitru  /' 

Denn  Breitmann  ansver  Schnitzerl 

*  Coarctor  nimis. — See  ! 
fiiquidem  Philistiim 

Pugnant  adversum  me. 


UND  HIS  PHILOSOPEDE. 

Ergo  vocavi  te, 

Ash  Saul  vocavti  Sam 
uel,  ut  mi  ostenderes 

Quid  teufelfaciam?' 

Derm  der  shpirit,  in  Lateinisch 

Saidt  l'Bene— dat's  de  dalk! 
Non  habes  in  hoc  shanty 

A  shingle  et  some  chalk  ? 
Non  video  inkum  et  calamos: 

(I  shbose  some  bummer  shdole  'em) 
Leuate  oculos  tuos,  son, 

Et  aspice  ad  linteolum  / 


Den  Breitmann  see  de  chalk-piece 
Vitch  riset  from  de  floor, 

Und  signet  a  philosopede 
Alone  oopon  de  toor, 


10 


HANS  BRBITMANX 


De  von  dat  Schnitzerl  fabricate, 

Und  ooderneat  he  see  : 
Probate  inter  equites  : 

Try  dis  in  de  cavallrie.' 

Den  Breitmann  shtoot  oop  rightly 

Und  leanet  on  a  bost, 
Und  saidt :  "  If  dis  couldt,  shouldt  hafe  peen 

It  vouldt  mighdt  peen  a  chost ! 


Boot  if  it  je  nouomenon, 
Phenomenoned  indeed, 

Or  de  soobjective  objectified, 
I'fe  cot  de  philosopede." 


UND  ms  PHILOSOPEDE. 

Denn  out  he  seekt  a  plack  sclimidt 
Ash  vork  in  iron  shteel ; 

To  make  him  a  philosopede 
Mit  shoost  an  only  vheel. 


11 


De  dings  vas  maket  simple, 
Ash  all  crate  idees  should  pe  ; 

For  'twas  noding  boot  a  gart  vheel 
Mit  a  two  veet  achsel-dree. 

De  dime^  der  Breitmann  doomple 

In  learnin  for  to  ride, 
Vas  ofdener  ash  de  sand  grains 

Dat  rollen  in  de  tide. 


12 


HANS  BREITMANN 


De  dimes  he  cot  oopsetted 
In  shdeerin  lefdt  und  righdt, 

Vas  ofdener  as  de  cleamin  shdars 
Dat  shtud  de  shky  py  nighdt. 

Boot  de  vorstest  of  de  veadures 

In  dis  von  vheel  horse,  you  bet, 
Ish  dat  man  couldt  go  so  nicely 

Pefore  he  got  oopset. 
Some  dimes  he  go  like  plazes 

Und  toorn  her,  extra-fein, 
Und  denn  shlop  ofer — dis  is  vhat 

Hafe  kill  der  Schnitzerlein. 


Soosh  droples  ash  der  Breitmami  hafe 

To  make  dis  'vention  go, 
Vas  nefer  seen  py  mordal  man 

Oopon  dis  vorldt  pelow. 


UNO  HIS  PIHLOSOPEDE.  13 

He  doompled  righdt,  he  doompled  lefdt, 

He  hafe  a  tousand  toomps, 
Dere  nefer  vas  a  gricket-ball 

Vot  get  soosh  'fernal  boomps. 

Boot  ash  he  shvear't  he'd  do  it, 

He  shvore  id  should  pe  done, 
Dough  he  schimpft  und  fluchte  la"sterlich, 

He  visht  he'd  ne'er  pegun. 
Mit  Hagel  !     Blitz  !     Kreuzsakrament  ! 

He  maket  der  houser  ring, 
Und  hoped  de  Schnitzerl  pe  verdammt 

For  deachin  him  dis  ding. 

Nun — goot !     Ad  last  he  got  it, 

Und  peaudifool  he  goed, 
Dis  day,  saidt  he,  "  I'll  stonish  folk 

A  roonin  on  de  road ; 
Dis  day  py  shinks  I'll  do  it ! 

Und  knock  dings  out  of  sight !" 
Ach  weh  !  for  Breitmann  dat  day 

Vas  not  pe-markt  mit  vhite. 

De  noompers  of  de  Deutsche  folk 

Dat  coom  dis  feat  to  see, 
I  dink  in  soper  earnest-hood, 

Mighdt  not  ge-reckonet  pe. 
For  miles  dey  shtood  along  de  road, 

Mein  Gott !  but  dey  vas  dry ; 
Dey  trinked  den  lager-beer  shops  oop, 

Pefore  der  Hans  coom  py. 


14 


HANS  BREITMANN 


Vhen  all  at  vonce  drementous  gries 

De  fery  country  shook  ; 
Und  beoples  shkreemt :  "Daister!  Schau! 

Dere  ish  der  Breitmann ! — Look !" 
Mein  Gott !  vas  efer  soosh  a  shoudt  ? 

Vas  efer  soosli  a  gry  ? 
Veil  like  a  brick-pat  in  a  vight, 

Der  Breitmann  roosli  py. 


O  mordal  man !     Vy  ish  id,  dow 

Hast  passion  to  go  vast  ? 
Vy  ish  id  dat  de  tog  und  horse 

Likes  shbeed  too  quick  to  last  ? 
De  pugs,  de  pirds,  de  pumple-pees, 

Und  all  dat  ish,  'twould  seem, 
Ish  nefer  hoppy  boot,  exsept 

When  pilin  on  de  shteam. 


UND  HIS  PHILOSOPEDF. 

Der  Breitmann  flew !     Von  mighdy  gry, 

Ash  he  vent  scootin  bast, 
Von  derriple,  drementous  yell — 

Dat  day  de  virst — und  last. 
Vot  ha !  vot  ho !  Vy  ish  id  dus  ? 

Vot  makes  dem  shdare  aghast  ? 
Vy  cooms  dat  vail  of  wild  tespair, 

Ish  somedings  got  gesmasht  ? 

Yea — efen  so.     Yea,  ferily — 

Sbheak,  soul !  It  is  dy  biz ! 
Der  Breitmann  shkeet  so  vast  along, 

Dey  fairly  heard  him  whizz. 
Vheii  shoost  oopon  a  hill-top  point 

It  caught  a  pranch  ge-pent, 
Und  like  an  opple  vrom  a  svitch, 

Afay  Hans  Breitmann  vent. 


15 


16 


HANS  BREITMANN 


Vent  troo  de  air  a  hoondert  feet, 

(Allowin  more  or  less) — 
Denn  pobb^-pobb — pobb — a  mile  or  dwo, 

He  rollet  along — I  guess. 
Say — hast  dou  seen  a  gannon  ball 

Half  shpent,  shtill  poundin  on  ; 
Like  made  of  gummi-lasticum  ? 

So  vent  der  Breitmann. 


Dey  bick  him  oop — dey  pring  him  in — 
No  wort  der  Breitmann  sphoke. 

Der  doktor  look — he  shvear  erstaunt 
Dat  nodings  ish  peen  proke ! 


UND  HIS  PHILOSOPEDE. 


17 


I 


He  rollet  de  rocky  road  entlong, 
He  pounce  o'er  shtock  und  shtone ; 

You'd  dink  he'd  knocked  his  outsides  in, 
Yet  nefer  preak  a  pone ! 

All  shtill  Hans  lay — bevilderfied — 

Nor  seemet  to  mind  de  shaps, 
Nor  moofed,  oontil  der  medicus 

Hafe  dose  him  veil  mit  schnapps. 
De  schmell  voke  oop  de  boetry 

Of  tays  ven  he  vas  yoong, 
Und  he  murmulte  de  frogmends 

Of  an  sad  romandic  song  : 


g  HANS  BREITMANN 

"  As  sommer  prings  de  roses, 

Und  roses  pring  de  dew, 
So  Deutschland  gifes  de  maidens 

Vot  fetch  de  bier  to  you. 
Komm  Maidlein !     Rothe  Waenglein ! 

Mit  a  wein  glass  in  your  paw ! 
Ve'll  ged  troonk  amoong  de  roses 

Und  lie  soper  on  de  shdraw ! 

"As  winter  prings  the  ice- wind, 

Dat  plow  o'er  burg  und  hill, 
Hard  times  pring  in  de  lantlord, 

Und  de  lantlord  pring  de  bill. 
Boot  sing  Maidlein.     Rothe  Waengelein ! 

Mit  wein  glass  in  your  paw  ! 
Ve'll  ged  troonk  amoong  de  roses 

Und  lie  sober  on  de  sdhraw  !" 

Dey  dook  der  Breitmann  homewarts, 

Boot  efer  on  de  vay, 
He  nefer  shbeaket  no  man, 

Und  noding  else  could  say  : 
Boot — "  Maidlein — Rothe  Wsengelein  ! 

Mit  wein  glass  in  her  paw, 
We'll  ged  troonk  amoong  de  rosen 

Und  lie  soper  on  de  sdhraw !" 

Dey  laid  der  Hans  im  Bette, 

Peneat  de  eider-doun, 
Und  sempled  all  de  doktors 

Vot  doktored  in  de  town. 


UNO  HIS  PHILOSOPEDE. 

Dat  ish,  de  Deutsche  Aertzte, 

For  Breitmann  alfays  says, 
De  Deutschers  ish  de  onlies 

Mit  originell  idees. 

Dere  vas  Doktor  Moritz  Schlinkenschlog, 

Dat  vork  ash  cafeopath, 
Und  der  learned  Cobus  Schoepfskopf, 

Dat  use  de  milchy  bath  ; 


19 


Und  Korschalitschky  aus  Boehmen, 

Vot  cure  mit  slibovitz, 
Und  Wechselbalg  from  Berlin, 

"Who  only  'tend  to  fits. 


20  HANS  BREITMANN 

Dere  vas  Strobbich  aus  Westfalen, 

Who  mofe  all  eart'ly  ills 
Mit  concentrirter  schinken  juice, 

Und  Pumpernickel  pills. 
Und  a  bier-kur  man  from  Munich, 

Und  a  grape-curist  from  Rhein, 
Und  von  who  shkare  tisease  afay 

Mit  dose  of  Schlesier  wein. 

So  dey  meed  in  consooldation 

Mit  Doktor  Winkeleck, 
Who  brack dise  "  renovation," 

Mit  sauerkrout  und  speck. 
Und  dat  no  man  shouldt  pe  shlightet 

Or  treatet  ash  a  tunce, 
Dey  'greed  to  try  deir  systems 

Oopon  Breitmann  all  at  vonce. 

Dat  ish,  mit  de  excepdion, 

Of  gifin  Schlesier  wein; 
For  de  remedy  vas  danger-full 

On  von  who  trink  from  Rhine. 
Ash  der  teufel  once  declaret 

Ven  he  taste  it  on  a  shpree, 
Dat  a  man  to  trink  soosh  liquor 

Moost  a  born  Silesian  pe. 

So  de  all  vent  16s  at  Breitmann, 

Und  woonderfool  to  dell, 
He  coomed  to  his  gesundheit, 

Und  pooty  soon  cot  veil. 


UND  HIS  PHILOSOPEDE.  21 

Some  hinted  at  Natura 

Mit  de  oldt  vis  sanatrix, 
Boot  each  dokter  shvore  he  cured  him, 

Und  de  rest  vere  taugenix. 

I  know  not  vot  der  Breitmann 

More  newly  has  pegun, 
Boot  dey  say  he  dalks  day-daily 

Mit  Dana  of  de  Sun. 


Dey  dalk  in  Deutsch  togeder, 
Und  volk  say  de  ent  vill  pe 

Philosopedal  changes 
In  de  Union  cavallrie. 

Gott  help  de  howlin  safage! 

Gott  help  de  Indi-an ! 
Shouldt  Breitmann  choin  his  forces 

Mit  Sheneral  Sheridan. 


22        HANS  BREITMANN  UND  HIS  PHILOSOPEDK. 


Und  denn  to  sing  his  braises 
Acain  I'll  gife  a  lied — 

Hier  hat  dis  dale  an  ende 
Of  Breitmann's  philosopede. 


HANEY'S  JOURNAL  for  1869. 

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Performing  Animals. 


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